Ships Ahoy Clark!
by MysticWolf1
Summary: This is a parody of Clark's relationships, or a shipper parody if you prefer.
1. Chapter 1 Chlark

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Smallville, or any of the characters within this story, I just want to play with them for awhile.

**Authors notes: **I have been reading fan fiction for years, and as a lot of you know, I have given many reviews over the years. Some of you are very talented writers, and some are good writers, but tend to get to caught up in the ships they favor, and thus the plot gets ignored, and/or the ship becomes the plot. You are in good company though, as the writers of Smallville have been known to occasionally do this also. So this will be a shipper parody focused on Clark ships. To be fair I will begin with my favorite ship. Some of the things I will be parodying will not be because they are bad, but because they are incredibly clichéd. And other things just lack logic. I don't mean to offend anyone. And I am bashing my favorite character (Clark) in the process.

This story takes place in Smallville. This is a parody, so all characters will be bashed to some extent.

**Chlark: **They are true loves because Chloe is the true Lois. Chloe is such an exceptional character that all the guys want her (so there Lana) and want to please her. She becomes too good for Clark. Frustrated fans get back at Clark for not wanting their girl in canon, so they pair her up with Oliver, Bruce Wayne Lex, or some other hot guy. Chloe becomes Lana, basically a canon Sue. Clark regrets not seeing the light earlier. They are soulmates!

**Clois: **Clark and Lois must be brought together because after all it is destiny, and written in stone and/or the stars. No other relationship can be allowed for Clark! It is against the law, and forbidden for Clark to have even the slightest interest or attraction to anyone else!! Chloe, Kara, and/or Lana conspire to get Clark and Lois together. They are soulmates!

**Clana: **Mostly canon because I haven't read many Clana fics by choice. Clark is obsessed with Lana. He puts Lana before everything and everyone else. All the guys, and even some girls love, and/or obsess over Lana. She is sweet, innocent, and perfect. Clark blames himself for all of Lana's troubles and character faults. Lana can do no wrong! And now she is "SUPERLANA".

**Clex: **They are hot for each other even though neither of them are gay or show gay tendencies in canon. Clark sometimes gets pregnant with Lex's baby. Lex is obsessed with Clark's pretty-boy looks (Not that I blame him). The female characters are rarely mentioned in these fics. I haven't read many of these fics either, but this is the gist of what I found.

**Marysue: **She is usually new in town, she is beautiful, and likely to have a cool superpower of her own. Clark falls in love with her. He can trust her more than anyone else. He tells her his secret, because he knows they are meant to be together.

**Acknowledgements:** I want to thank my girls, Shady-777 and Sadistic Requeim (who used to be Jellysunshine before she lost her account information and couldn't log in anymore) for the editing, and contributions they made in creating this fic. I couldn't have done it without their support and encouragement.

Chlark:

Clark and Chloe are sitting in the Kent kitchen discussing their relationship, both of them enjoying each other's company. Suddenly, Clark brings out a bracelet and lovingly places it on Chloe's wrist.

Perplexed Chloe says "Clark what is this?"

"This is the bracelet that Kyla's grandfather gave me after she died. He said it was for my true one, and Chloe, you are my true one, my soulmate, so this bracelet belongs to you." Clark replies while looking longingly into her eyes.

Chloe's eyes fill with tears as she whispers "Oh Clark, I have loved you since I met you. Do you mean that you are finally over Lana?"

"I have never loved Lana the way I love you; she was just an infatuation. I am only sorry that it took me so long to realize this!" he exclaimed.

Chloe sighs then exclaims "Clark, we can never be together because you took too long to realize your love for me, so now I am with Oliver. Or is it Lex? Or maybe Bruce? Oh well, it is another hot male lead. And he doesn't take me for granted like you do…in fact, he can't do enough to please me, and all his friends have crushes on me, so there!"

"I am so sorry Lana — I mean Chloe — I got confused for a second because you have become so beautiful, and perfect. I understand why everyone wants you. You are right, I am not good enough for you." Clark laments.

As Chloe gets up to leave she calls over her shoulder "By the way Clark, if in the future I change my name to Lois because my cousin dies, or some other unforeseen event occurs, then we can start a relationship again."

But for now she is off to become SUPERCHLOE with her newly discovered meteor abilities. And yeah sure, it is well known that meteor-infected people tend to eventually go insane, but Chloe confidently doesn't even consider this could happen to her.

Years go by as Chloe has many adventures as Watchtower with her current soulmate Oliver. Or Lex? Or Bruce? Or insert character here______. She often hears of this Superman character who rescues people and keeps Metropolis safe. She knows it is Clark as she occasionally has dealings with him as Watchtower in relation to the Justice League of America, but he is just a friend, because he couldn't put her first in a relationship, and her soulmate must always put her first before the safety of the world.


	2. Chapter 2 Clois

**Authors notes: **I realize these are very short chapters, but they work better as individual chapters to separate the ships. And I know that not all Clois shippers declare "It's destiny" just like not all Chlark shippers turn Chloe into a Sue, or into Lois, or are now pairing her with another character. This is not meant to be offensive. It is written in fun.

Again we find ourselves at the Kent farm. Lois and Clark are discussing their friendship, when Clark brings out a bracelet and lovingly places it on Lois's wrist.

Shocked Lois exclaims "What is this Smallville!"

Clark shyly explains "This is the bracelet that Kyla's grandfather gave me after she died. He said it was for my true one, and Lois, you are my true one, my soulmate, so this bracelet belongs to you."

"Ok Smallville, what are you on? Have you been getting into your parents' liquor cabinet?" Lois stares at him wondering if he hit his head or something.

At that moment Kara and Chloe walk in.

Chloe says "Come on Lois, we all know you and Clark have feelings for each other. You have both just been in denial, but now Clark is willing to admit it."

Kara adds "Clark, you should immediately tell Lois your secret, and don't forget to tell her about your weaknesses too; after all, honesty is the best policy in a relationship no matter what."

Lois shakes her head in wonder, and she considers that, yeah, the farm boy is cute, and she is attracted to him, but this soulmate stuff is way beyond anything she feels at the moment. And Clark's secret, what is that about? But what the heck, in for a penny in for a dollar right? So throwing common sense, caution, and logic to the wind she blurts out, "Ok guys, no more denial. Clark, I love you, but I also hate you for making me admit, out loud even, to such touchy feely, sappy emotions. Now, what's this about a secret Clarky?"

Embarrassed yet elated, Clark shyly reveals in one breath "I am an alien from the planet Krypton. I am super fast, super strong, I can shoot fire from my eyes, I have super hearing, x-ray vision, super lung power, and I am invulnerable, except that kryptonite weakens me, and with enough exposure may even kill me. Oh and I am vulnerable to magic also."

Lois's jaw drops as she takes a step back. "Ok…" she states as she looks to Chloe and Kara, "how long have you guys known that Clark is psychotic? And why is this ET superman here not safely tucked away in Belle Reeve sanitarium? And what the heck is kryptonite?"

Clark gives Lois a demonstration of his abilities. Then he brings out a small lead box , opens it to show Lois the green meteor rock within, and immediately falls to his knees clutching his stomach. He is oblivious to the fact that he could have just had Chloe show Lois the kryptonite. After Chloe closes the box Clark immediately goes on to explain the different colors of kryptonite, and what effects they have on him.

Lois considers all this information, and her first thought is, 'Hmm, red kryptonite…no inhibitions…this could be fun.'

Lois says "Ok Clark, now we can both work at the Daily Planet. You can wear some big nerdy glasses, and occasionally slip into some bright blue kiddy pajamas with a bright red cape. Oh, and how about a big S on the front of the pajama. It can stand for Super Stupendous Super Duper Man!"

Clark blushes and replies, "Oh Lois, I think Superman would be enough, you know how modest I am."


	3. Chapter 3 Clana

**Authors notes: **This chapter is based on cannon characterization because I have read very few Clana fics, and in them generally Lana is a princess type, and Clark is her Knight-in-shining-armor. I thought it would be more interesting to poke fun at the cannon version of the Clana relationship.

Clark is sitting in the kitchen at the Kent farm. He is staring lovingly into the eyes of his one and only, his everything, his soulmate: none other than the beautiful Lana Lang! He can't believe his good fortune that the beautiful, gorgeous, wonderfully perfect Lana Lang has again graced him with her presence. As usual, he is overwhelmed with love and desire for her. Salty crystalline tears spill down his cheeks.

Lana is sitting across from Clark staring longingly into the eyes of her ideal soulmate in the mirror on the wall behind Clark's head. `Oh, if only I had an identical twin' she laments. No one is really good enough for her except herself, but she would be willing to settle for Clark…for awhile anyway. Clark is still rambling on about how much he worships her, but who can blame him, after all, she _is _perfect.

Lex Luthor boldly invades the Kent kitchen. "I knew I would find you here Lana. You always run back to old reliable Clark when you finish with your toy boys. But you married ME Lana, so I know you did love me at one time."

Lana sighs disgustedly at Lex. "Oh Lexy. I love your money, your power, and your privileges, but I really hate you. I married you to protect Clark, or well, that's what he believes because he's too busy mooning over me to think anything other than that."

Lex looks incredulously towards Clark. "Clark, did you hear that? Lana just admitted to using me and playing you! Do you still think she's Miss Innocent in all this?!"

Clark grudgingly drags his eyes away from his shining goddess to glare at Lex. "Lex you don't understand. It's all my fault! Anything Lana may have done, or will ever do that has harmed anyone, is all my fault because I wasn't good enough for her."

Lex is disgusted with Clark's worshipful devotion toward Lana, but her conniving devious ways are kind of a turn on for him. He isn't naïve enough to think he really loves her, but he does love the way she keeps him on his toes, and the challenge she presents. Now on to figure out how he can get back the money she took from him, and maybe have another romp or two with her in the bargain. "Yes, Clark, it is all your fault. I only tried to save Lana from you." he declares passionately.

Lana is getting bored with all this. She is remembering when she briefly had Clark's abilities. _Wow, what a rush that was! If only there were a way I could regain that incredible power. I could be SUPERLANA!_ _I mean who needs Superman when they can have SUPERLANA!_ Then a super-devious plan forms in her mind. She turns to Clark with a sickeningly sweet smile. "Clarky honey, go outside and milk the cows. I need to talk to Lex alone. And don't you dare use your super hearing." she adds, oblivious to the fact that Lex is standing right next to her.

Clark puts his head down feeling rejected as he shuffles toward the door, so Lana calls out to him "Don't worry Clark. I am just going to tell him off then send him home."

Immediately feeling elated, _and twitterpated_ because his beautiful goddess Lana would never ever in a billion years lie to him, he skips out the door.

As soon as the door closes Lana turns to Lex and states in a business-like manner, "Ok Lex, here's the deal. I will tell you Clark's secret, describe his abilities and weaknesses, and give you all the information you want on him if you use your power, influence, and labs to turn me into SUPERLANA."

**AN: **The word "Twitterpated" is from Bambi. The meaning is basically head-over-heels-in-love, and oblivious to everything else.


	4. Chapter 4 Clex

**Authors notes**: Sadistic Requiem has co-authored this chapter with me. She was a big help as the fluffy sappiness in this chapter makes me extremely nauseous, and was very hard for me to write.

Lex Luthor can't believe his good fortune. After years of flirting, hints, and innuendos, he and Clark have finally found their way into each others' arms. "Clark, you know you will always be able to trust me with your secret, your life, and most of all your love." Lex passionately proclaims as he looks longingly into Clark's emerald green orbs. To him they were endless deep green pools of passion and love. They were one of the traits that had most drawn him to Clark in the first place; they left Lex simply spellbound with their splendor.

Although he desperately wants to believe in Lex, Clark is still unsure. There is no doubt that he is attracted to the handsome bald billionaire, but he thinks back to all of Lex's betrayals. The kryptonite ring the evil part of Lex wore as he beat Clark and threatened his parents, because he wanted to use Clark to help him take over the world. Stealing Lana from him… well maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. And besides, isn't forgiveness divine? "Lex I want to believe you, but can I trust that you have given up your womanizing ways?" he asks, taking Lex's perfectly manicured hands into his own strong hands, giving them a loving squeeze.

"Clark, the only reason I went out with any of those women was to get your attention. I was trying to make you jealous. That is also the reason I married Lana. You were obsessed with her, so I just thought that if I took her from you, you might notice me again. I wanted you to be obsessed with ME, not LANA." Lex expounds while thinking about how utterly breath-taking Clark is. He would love to run his fingers through those ebony locks. He would love to do many more naughty things with him as well. Things that Clark probably couldn't imagine.

Shocked, Clark exclaims, "But Lex, the reason I acted so obsessed with Lana was because I wanted to get your attention, and make YOU jealous!" The realization that he just found his soulmate finally hits him. "No more deception and games, my sexy stallion." he says, suddenly bringing his hands up to caress Lex's cheek. "Lana is in the past where she belongs. You are my present and future; my love and obsession. Now that we realize we belong together, let's not let anything or anyone separate us again." He pulls the startled Luthor into a passionate kiss, wrapping his muscular arms around him. As the kiss breaks Clark takes Lex's left hand and brings out the bracelet Kyla's grandfather gave him to give to his soulmate. He then whispers the story of the bracelet to Lex as he lovingly places it on Lex's wrist. It is a snug fit almost as if the bracelet were made for a smaller wrist, but the soul mates are to caught up in each other to notice this.

Lex Collapses into Clark's warm and inviting form. The other man's arms pulling him into a lover's embrace. Lex gently bites down on Clark's velvety lower lip, pulling ever so gently on it. It felt so good to him to be loved at last. To feel the warmth and comfort that the other man provided. With Clark wrapped around him it was as though everyone and everything else went away, and it was just the two of them. The way it should be.

Four months later:

"Oh Lex." Clark tenderly called from the lounge of Lex's mansion. He had some wonderful news for his billionaire boyfriend. News that was sure to bring a smile to Lex's angelic features.

"What is it dear?" came Lex's voice from the doorway, as he walked into the room. His soumate, Clark Luthor, was seated by the fireplace in an overstuffed chair. His muscular arms resting on the arm rests and his beautiful green eyes fixed on the dancing flames in the fireplace.

"You'll never believe what's happened." Clark giggled. "You're going to be a father, Lex." The look that crossed Lex's face was priceless and made Clark smile even more. He looked so thrilled. "I'm pregnant."

"How is this possible, my love?" Lex wondered aloud, going up to Clark and grabbing him into an embrace. "What a miracle."

"I'm an alien remember? I told you my secret when we first started dating." the Kryptonian laughed. "I guess it might have something to do with our two species interbreeding. Must have caused an anomaly." He kissed Lex tenderly on the lips. "In any case, it doesn't matter. What matters is we are going to have our own family and start anew."

Lex smiled and wandered over to the mantle place. "Well, lets pick out some names then. If it's a boy I suggest Jonathan." He gave his pregnant lover a coy smile. "If it's a girl, how about Chloe, or Alexandra? I've always liked those names."

Clark nodded happily. "I hope it's twins. A pair of sons would be nice. Then we could name one Jonathan and the other Lionel."

The two men looked at each other lovingly. It didn't matter what the universe threw at them. They were together, and they would get through it as a couple.


End file.
